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[01 Feb 2004|08:46pm] |
new lj, new life, different person
add me ----------------------> ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) surf_what
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[29 Jan 2004|10:01pm] |
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mood |
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 satisfied |
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music |
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rufio...white lights |
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today i really learned the idea or ideology of "conflict of interest".
think what you will. I dropped calculus to take shakespeare. No, I was not recieving a dismal grade in the class, and no i'm not dropping because i am a juvenile delinquent. I dropped the class because it wasn't making me happy. point blank.
I am taking Shakespeare, and I am the happiest I've been in a while at school. It's never been a social problem/issue, but I have never really taken classes because I wanted to. I took them because I was supposed to. I have realized, through several life-altering experiences, that my happiness is in my own hands. I am done doing things to please and impress other people, even colleges. I want to do what will make me happy.
this...definitely makes me happy.
columbia interview next week in west l.a.
please wish me luck :/
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| "all that I needed I found within you" |
[27 Jan 2004|06:25pm] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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music |
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yellowcard..something of value |
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okay. post of the day. i am a happy person.
i got the grades that i needed. i got into college. i'm in shakespeare, which is the one class i wanted to take senior year. I did well on my AP lit final.
now why am i not happy at this very moment.
because i am the "unexpected guest". dun dun dun.
I think the best of people and I try to see the best in people. This is, by far, the biggest flaw I have. Man, itself, is not as wonderous and heroic as I previously conceived him to be. People will tear me down so quickly if I continue thinking this way.
I have achieved small victories though. 3 years of friendship. I changed someone. I opened them up a great deal to the world. And sometimes, I made them laugh. Eventually, it had to happen, they would have to move on. There is satisfaction to be had from those things, because they are proof of many things about him and about me, but they are also proof that my life is not being wasted and that I am heading in the right direction. This person is a good person, and deserves everything that comes his way.
but i'm sorry, i'm not going to be the "unexpected guest". I won't let myself be that anymore.
it's nice, for once, to look inside myself, and see that there is some good.
whenever i feel superficial, false, pretentious..i look at these pictures. there I am real. I'm not annoying or loud. There, I just am. And I like it that way.
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[25 Jan 2004|09:08pm] |
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mood |
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content |
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death cab for cutie..all is full of love |
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so. since thursday. I've had an incredible time. yes.
thursday was the mall food court, where we scared small children and adults a like. friday was the beach, where in the 2 hours I was there, I felt more free and alive than I have the entire time since the cruise. saturday was my grandfathers funeral, but it was very nice. I gave a little speech on legacies, and I hope that it made my grandfather proud. sunday was the beach again. I got to go in a hummer with a butt warmer (i loved that butt warmer) to a private beach where i got to run around, paddle out, and sit beyond the surfline. Then fashion show practice, where I realized that I am no longer skinny, and it is really sad. Not only do I have "big arms", I am basically the heaviest girl in the dance. It's a fun dance..too bad I'm going to squish my dancing partner with my "girth", and yes it is.."girth".
and now for some pictures:
( paradise is so close, yet so far )
now for some prophetic words:
you'll be given love
you'll be taken care of
you'll be given love
you have to trust it
maybe not from the sources
you've poured yours
into
maybe not
from the directions
you are
staring at
twist your head around
it's all around you
all is full of love
hm...maybe not from the directions you are staring at..hmm..
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[21 Jan 2004|11:34pm] |
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 cynical |
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why the HELL are u such an asshole to me..um.is that a song? |
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i'm tired of trying to help people. I'm going to take my favorite person danny walter's advice, and just be openly bitchy to everyone. because where does being nice get me? I'm misused, misunderstood, yes. it's really not like I have my own problems, and I spend so much time looking out for everyone else, HELLO! where does it get me. I am currently so fucked up with punishments that I can barely wake up, ...ANYWAY ENOUGH COMPLAINING! I've just decided to be openly hostile with everyone..so watch out! lol
OH YA! AND ALL SENTRAS CAN OFFICIALLY FALL OF THE EARTH AND DIE! I HATE THEM I HATE THEM! or i just hate loving who's inside them! FUCKER!
and now for an all-time favorite
( threat to national security )
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[20 Jan 2004|10:20pm] |
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mood |
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 jealous |
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death cab for cutie..photobooth |
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( slightly broken, not immediately reparable )
this one's for you..my old good friend
who once saw me in a light that no one could
who, with the first new flame to ignite his heart
forgot how to look, and
now that light once seen
has fled
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[19 Jan 2004|05:56pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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death cab for cutie-atlanticism |
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I'm glad to be home, and then again, I am not. I'm moving in two directions because seriously I do not want to be studying because I am dead tired, but on the other hand, it's good to be home with my family. This weekend was one of laughter, tears, frustration, emotion, bio studying, hard work, michael jackson, and friends. What made me laugh the hardest this weekend was how Channel Islands continued to play the SAME Michael Jackson song, and one girl almost cried when we changed to a different song. I'm a historian, so I get to hang with Erin the whole time, and I get to hang out with 7 other incredible people. Sac can't come soon enough.
Oh..I don't have a car for 3 months...bummer. If you need a ride, don't ask me.
I was in a bad mood this entire weekend, and I'm sure I will be tomorrow, so stay out of my way buddy! I wish I didn't have a 90.5 in Bio, I will I could go to big bear this weekend with my friends, I wish I could blah blah blah. Hello hormones!
one more thing...it is way time to move on. I learn at every T&E that I am a very outgoing, fun person and I make friends easily. It's time to stop focusing on the past, and embrace the future, because myself deserves that (i love my grammar).
PS: The tuba player from USC was AWESOME!
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[16 Jan 2004|11:14pm] |
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aggravated |
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nat's computer tunes |
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youth and government..bob 2...gone all weekend..wow i hate my life lol
in other news..i need to stop being such a controlling freaky bitch..seriously.
There are one thousand memories. One hundred thousand moments. I wouldn't trade them for anything. I hate how people get into our heads, so that they become the voices in our heads. cliche, but true. I hate how people get into our hearts, so that the meer thought of losing them causes that seering pain in our chests. I hate how I am so demanding and how I can't just be chill for more than 30 seconds at a time. I need a break from myself. unfortunately, if you need to reach me, i will be in pasa fucking robles all weekend.
I don't know what I want or where I'm going. I really need to go surfing.
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[15 Jan 2004|10:31pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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death cab for cutie..a lack of color |
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There are many times in life where we are forced to look at ourselves and examine our lives. In my short life, I have had many of these experiences that have helped me assess my life and its course. What happened last week, what happened today, and what happenened a month ago have all served a purpose in my life. SOme people would looka t my life and say "that girl has it tough" or "that girl has gone through some rough stuff", and they would be correct. However, some people would consider these experiences to be misgivings. I think, from talking with Hae Jung, that they are givings. I have so much more life experience than some people my age, and even though right now I seem to be making the same mistakes over and over again, I think that everything bad that has happened has been also a gift, because I have learned. I am learning. I will learn.
I love my friends. I love ice cream. I love God. oh ya..and Lindsey Solomon is my hero.
Haha..I always wonder why my depressions and grieving periods are so short. It's because I know how to laugh.
( a smile a day keeps the therapist away! )
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| what a pictureful entry :OP |
[12 Jan 2004|08:57pm] |
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mood |
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 giddy |
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so saturday night meli, misia, and I went to cold mountain. It was hilariously not funny, but dinner afterwards was. I don't think I'm spontaneous enough, so I decided to show the whole restuarant what the locomotion actually looks like. Yes, they all thought I was strange, but it doesn't really matter because I had fun doing it. And then some waiter did a run by check out of Misia, and we all laughed really hard. *take note people reading this* if you ever ask for half of an appetizer, I'm going to hurt u.
I wanted to take more pictures of myself than meli took of herself, and I didn't unfortunately meet her record of 57 pictures..but here are some of the highlights..all taken while meli was driving me to and from..
( I hope these amuse you all... )
the words keep echoing in my head..."i've never met anyone as special as you"
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| break point |
[08 Jan 2004|10:22pm] |
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enraged |
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"Hit the Floor" by Linkin Park |
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So I've hit a breaking point. How much is one person supposed to take? I have teachers piling on the work and projects, I can't get my shit together for AP literature, I couldn't even write an okay essay on my favorite play ever. My grandfather no longer exists, and there is a rather large hole in my universe. There are 4 other situations that are causing me extreme stress. Oh, and I can't stop eating.
To make a long story short, I haven't bitched anyone out tonite, and I've been there for everyone that needs me. What the hell am i supposed to do when someone repeatedly bashes on me while I'm busy getting my shit done so that I can wake up tomorrow? ya..fuck it, I really don't give a fuck about him anyway. BUT HOW MUCH AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE BEFORE IT'S ENOUGH! God damnit I hate crying
"So many people like me put so much trust in all your lies
So concerned with what you think to just say what we feel inside
So many people like me walk on eggshells all day long
All I know is that all I want is to feel like I’m not stepped on
There are so many things you say that make me feel you've crossed the line
What goes up will surely fall and I’m counting down the time
Cause I’ve had so many standoffs with you it’s about as much as I can stand"
EDIT! 11:36 hmm...thas strange, all of my anger just faded away
( you think i'm a biatch now..haha )
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[01 Jan 2004|05:09pm] |
Well I'm home.
I'm too tired to post pictures at the moment, and I am way too emotional to write down all the memories (if it's possible)..but the carnival cruise 2003 made my entire year worth it. I feel like a completely new person, but I'm coming back to the same old life.
2004 holds so much. I will graduate with my fellow classmates, and I will be attending college. Besides those 2 things (which are still not 100% for sure yet I don't know lol), nothing else is certain.
I <3 Amanda, Jen, Madeline, Adam, Noah, Sam, Jacquelyn, Ali, Courtney, Caleb, and even Seth and Marcus. I'm so glad that I got to meet and spend time with each one of you. I will miss you guys so much. It wouldn't have been the same without you.
oh ya..and happy new years.
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[26 Dec 2003|03:10pm] |
so..i changed my mind. I am having an awesome time! woot. Christmas kind of sucked since it was like 90 degrees and I didn't see my family all day, but everything else is cool. My curfew is 3:30 am and I haven't been to the room earlier than that every night so far. I usually actually get to my room at like 5 am, and I'm having so much fun, but my sleep schedule is soooo off.
the greatest news is that I met the greatest guy here. I have some bragging rights, okay? he lives in florida, surfs, plays football, is very tan and has the bluest eyes you've ever seen(can you say 8 pack and beach blonde?). Too bad he lives in Florida. But let's just say that we have a lot of fun together haha. Okay..all done. I love you guys soooo much. It's so interesting to meet these different people though. They are so different from all of you back home.
<3 I wish I lived in Florida though :(
I hope everyone is having a great vacation, I miss you all
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[25 Dec 2003|01:02pm] |
hey guys! We are currently at sea and approacing the island of San Marteen. I miss everyone so much it's ridiculous, but I am having a blast here. I met a girl from Harvard-Westlake and she's soooo cool! I've met a whole bunch of people, but on the whole this cruise didn't meet expectations.
they have 24 hour pizza bar..I want to kill the person that set that up.
Oh ya..and merry christmas guys! although..for me it isn't really x-mas, it's like half of an x-mas since I'm in like 90 degree weather.
I miss everyone, and hope everyone has a great holiday. I get back for new years, so if there are any crazy parties going on..let me know
I love you guys soooo much! <3
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[22 Dec 2003|07:11pm] |
i leave in less than an hour. I can't wait to leave.
there are very few people that I respect. I can't wait to leave chaminade. Then I can escape people that make me feel bad about myself, that make me cry, that make me doubt everything that I do.
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[21 Dec 2003|10:15pm] |
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So I leave for the carribbean tomorrow. Twill be fun I hope. I'm just going to relax. I promised myself no college or school work, just relaxation, and hopefully some tanning.
I'm such a nerd. HELLO I LIKE THE WRONG PERSON. I'm sure there are plenty of normal guys my age that I could choose to admire and adore. BUT NO! I have to be stubborn, picky, irrational. I don't want it to hold me back from anything, but I compare everyone I meet to him. And it's terrible because there is no one else like him in the world and there never will be. I wish that I could be so lucky as to attain his affections as well. But God or Fate, whichever one has control over what the hell is happening here, has other plans for me and for him. Best thing I could do is go away for 9 days to paradise and get my mind of it. Maybe someday.
So, holllaaaa! I love all you guys and I'll see you in a week and a half.
and i coined EBOOLLAAAAAA! (just ask hae jung for pronunciation)
and for all you Italy people, for x-mas, my mom got me a great italian book. I am way too excited for the future.
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[18 Dec 2003|07:35pm] |
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mood |
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 creative |
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music |
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my christmas guitar playing |
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Seeing the 12 am showing of LOTR ROTK was amazing. It was actually fun to sit in the freezing cold with everyone and bug the crap out of meli, and it was fun eating enough food to FILL ME UP FOR 5 DAYS! The movie itself was amazing, and the only disappointment was wanting to talk about it for hours afterwards, when I was trying to get my precious sleep. Hae Jung is SUCH a cute waker-uper, but I am glad I only had to wake her up once. If I was her mommy, I probably would beat her if I had to wake her up every morning.
I went to see my car and collect the rest of my personal effects. They were going to charge me to get my CD player out, but luckily one of the guys thought I was cute, so he gave me the outer part, which was very nice. It was so surreal seeing the car again. The entire front is smashed in. There is blood on the drivers seat from the back of my leg and my nose. The back end is scraped up from the asshole behind me. I started crying ONLY because I NEVER SAW IT COMING! I never saw it coming. How can I prevent an accident, if I don't even see it coming? And, it only lasted, oh...about a second. I'm still a little shakey, driving so soon afterwards. But I'm just glad that my parents still love me and aren't too mad. I have to draw a diagram of the accident for the insurance company. That is going to be fun, here is a stick figure here labeled me, crying. Here are two other stick figures, yelling and cussing at me. Here is a stick figure asshole in the car behind me. Here is my dead car, valued at $2,600, and the other cars, which were completely fine with less than $500 worth of damage.
On a lighter note, I leave for the Carribbean in less than a week. More like 4 days. I'm really not that excited because I will be spending both Christmas and New Year's on the boat, and I will again, be missing everyone here. I do need a break from school, but I didn't want to leave all my friends behind. I made christmas bags for everyone, and I made cards for the teachers, even Ms. Mercier(i'm really feeling that christmas spirit lol).
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[15 Dec 2003|11:31pm] |
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postal service |
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Wildflowr8987: btw you shold consider a career in english teachering
Wildflowr8987: then you would be PERFECT for **********
hahahhahah I LAUGH I LAUGH!
juniors are the greatest
um..could i love kim milkovich anymore than i already do? i don't think so i love her way too much
bro tom likes lord of the rings
BJs waiters are a bit slow
pazookies are good
matt whitmire is a very dear friend and i luv him even though everyone else tells him that too
adrianna benedict and sarah garrity are my favorite people in the entire world...sometimes
boys transition to manhood by watching the "The Godfather"
Mr. Cadena is the bartender, and I am the disgruntled drunk with lots of horrible sob stories
i leave in less than a week for paradise. how much worse could life get before then? hahaha..I'm not going to test the big man. I'm not even going to contemplate that question.
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[14 Dec 2003|12:17pm] |
i have so much left to learn.
it's actually scary to think about how last night could have been the end all, be all for me.
I have so much left to learn. I walk around smug and arrogant, thinking that I have life by the nads, thinking that I have some sort of control over it. Thing is, none of us can control life sometimes. I have to learn that, I can't be this arrogant person who thinks she knows everything, because i don't. Not even close.
Thank you to melissa, erin, misia...and everyone else that called to make sure I was alright. Thank you to my parents for keeping me safe and taking care of me. I felt the love so much, and I don't think I would have been okay if it hadn't been for them.
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